Friday, May 14

Count your Blessings

Last night I was thinking through this crazy week and realizing how many blessings we have been given during this trial. Brad is always telling me to count my blessings so I will. (These are in no particular order as I consider them all equally a HUGE blessing)

#1-I made it to the hospital in time to have Benjamin.
#2-We didn't discover his low blood sugar until after our kids were able to come and spend time with him in the delivery room.
#3-We have the BEST and I truly mean the BEST nurse in Level 2 nursery possible. Beata, this incredible German lady, has made the difference. She isn't just our nurse, she is our friend and cheerleader. She gets just as nervous as we do to see what the blood sugars will be.
#3b-To go along with Beata, I found out last night she usually only works on Wednesday-Friday. However, they needed help on Monday and Tuesday so she has worked the entire week with us. No other child has had the same nurse all week. We have had different and wonderful nurses at night, but always have the same one during the day. The consistency has been wonderful. I also pondered today that I was scheduled to be induced today!! If I had been and Benjamin had had this problem Beata would not have been our nurse through the whole thing and my doctor wouldn't have been on the whole time since it would be the weekend and someone else may have been on call.
#4-My mother in law was able to change her flight and be the surrogate mother all week. It has been so wonderful to know my kids are at home, having fun, but having some consistency through this all!! Thanks to her for loving my kids during all of this. (although, on a funny side note, Becca informed Nana yesterday that it is time for her to go home!! I think Becca is certainly ready for this to be done!!)
#5-I was able to stay in a room tonight instead of the family lounge. It was nice to shower again and have privacy.
#6-I have been feeling INCREDIBLE physically. Seriously, for the most part I don't feel like I just had a baby. All of my pregnancy complaints are gone. I love how that happens. I always get to this point and realize how sick I always felt. My biggest complaint now is my back hurts from everything....mostly all this nursing. I have to have a pretty active role as Benjamin learns. The more he really sucks the better his chances are of getting better. It is quite exhausting but oh so worth it.
#7-Just last week or the week before they changed the visiting policy for the Level 2 nursery. Because of this my kids have been able to actually hold him in the nursery. 2 weeks ago they would have had to just look through a window.
#8-I have the BEST husband in the world. I am serious. He has been by my side to help me with whatever I need. He is always jumping up to help and makes sure I am taking it easy. He has been a huge help getting Benjamin to wake up to eat. He has been sleeping with Becca at home as she is still trying to recover. That in and of itself is a feat. She moves around TONS!!! He has been and continues to be my rock through all of this. There is nothing more I love than to see him holding little Benjamin. Man, I love this man!!!
#9-Brad has been able to work from the hospital . His boss has been wonderful to let him do this. Although he is working all the time, it is nice to have him by my side. Let's just pray we are done with this by Monday because he will have to go back.
#10-I have been able to have 5 days of quite bonding time with Benjamin. It just wouldn't have been the same at home. Becca loves this little guy way too much and is going to always want to be with him.
#11-My mother was able to step in and teach all of my group piano lessons for me. I had worked hard to get things ready for my students as I take the summer off and we were able to still give them what I had worked on. Thanks mom for all you have done!!
#12-I have an incredible support system. All of my family and friends have been there through calls, prayers(yes, we have been feeling them), thoughts and well wishes online. I love you all very much!!!
#13-For the most part I have been really calm through all of this. This is a direct blessing I was given at the beginning of my pregnancy and is continuing through all of this. I have bad moments, but the Holy Ghost is right there to help me in the end!!!

As I think of more I will have to post them. We are going in right now to test his sugars and feed him. My stomach is churning. We turned the IV down to a 2 and the 10 oclock hour has messed us up everyday as it hasn't been good. Let's pray for a miracle!!!

Thursday, May 13

Thursday update

Well, we went on a plan this morning to slowly wean from the supplemental feedings and the IV. We haven't supplemented since this morning, but have still be on the IV. We had a very bad number late morning which meant the nurse had to draw tons of blood to run some tests to rule out other causes of the problem. It also meant we will NOT be going home today. The good news is I fed him after the bad number and he ate pretty well. We then tested his sugars after that and they were good. We were shocked. We then tested before his last feeding and they were good again. So, we will test in the next hour and see. I am hoping if they are good we can turn the IV down and see if he tolerates that well. The nurse did say that it isn't common, but she has personally seen something like this and suddenly the baby just kicks in and regulates the sugars and they never know why it took so long or what was wrong. We are hoping that is the case and that there isn't something else going on. The good news is Benjamin is the cutest little guy alive. Man, I am tired of being in the hospital, but I decided that today I would take some breaks but spend a lot of time with him in the nursery. I realized that I get really anxious when I am not with him. But when I am, I feel totally calm and at peace and know everything will be alright. This has helped today.

After his last feeding I had to pump. While I was doing that he was awake in his bassinet. He started fussing and was good and crying when I finished. The second I picked him up he looked at me and calmed down immediately. I guess he just knew I was around and not holding him and decided that just wouldn't do!!! He must feel the void that I have felt when we aren't together. Here we spend 9 months as literally one being and then we are stripped away and not able to spend every waking second together like I usually do with my newborns. We both feel it. However, I do have to say we have had some very special bonding moments here that we wouldn't have had at home with his brother and sisters fighting over who gets to hold him. So, I will continue to relish in the quiet moments we have and savor these memories!!!

Wednesday, May 12

Patience is a Virtue

So, patience is a virtue. I am learning that Heavenly Father REALLY wants me to develop this. Benjamin's numbers did not do well today. After we took him off the IV they dropped below 50. So, we fed him well and supplemented to see if it would help. It didn't so as of around 5:30 they had to restart the IV. The problem was his IV had fallen out so they had to redo the IV site. My poor tiny little boy looks so beat up. He has a big bruise on his hand where they tried to place the IV. He has another big bruise on his arm where they had to draw labs yesterday. His foot is HORRIBLE because of all the pokes for the glucose testing. He handles it all pretty well but my heart aches for him. Tonight, all night, we will be nursing him, supplementing him, and doing the IV. They are pretty sure the problem is he didn't develop in the last couple of weeks so he didn't make glucose storage that helps newborns get through the first few days in life. Because of this he just can't process the glucose. If we can beef up those stores than hopefully it will help. My milk came in today so we are hoping it will help. If we could get him to nurse well that would be awesome. I am so exhausted from trying so hard to have him sleep.

Today the kids came to visit. I have been missing them so much. I just want all of my children together....at home. I feel like I am living a different life right now. I am ready to bring Benjamin into my normal life. Becca came into the lounge where I am now staying and sat on my lap. The first thing she said, in her new much higher voice because of the tonsillectomy, "You need to come home." Of course the water works started and haven't stopped. The littlest things are setting me off. Oh well, I am postpartum and my hormones are a wreck so I have the right.

Tonight will be good. He will do this and we just must learn patience. Watching other families going through much worse in the NICU makes me realize it really could be worse so I will count my blessings.

Pictures



I don't know what Ryan was screnching his face for. He loves this little guy. Boy does that moment seem like forever ago. I am so ready for these two to be reunited!!!


Here are some pictures of my cute little guy. He has tons of hair (not as much as Becca who wins the prize for the most). His hair is lighter though which is fun.

I Believe in Miracles

I truly am a believer in miracles and in the power of the priesthood. Last night Brad gave Benjamin a blessing. I won't go into the details except to say in part of the blessing the nurses and doctors were blessed through Benjamin to know what to do to help give him the best treatment and know what would be best for him. We tested his blood sugars and they were good. He then nursed pretty well. We gave him supplemental colostrum and formula. Later he spit a lot of it up, but his levels still stayed high. Which was great. At 10 we were able to drop his IV levels to an 8 and the nurse decided to not supplement because he nursed so well and she didn't want to fill him up too much and have him spit it all up. So, we had a huge amount of faith in her and her decision making. The great thing is this nurse, named Sherri, also had a huge amount of faith. She kept saying "this will work because he got a blessing." It was nice to have her added faith.

Well, she was right. His numbers stayed up all night and he kept nursing really well. At 1, since his number was around 68 we took the IV down to a 5. I was pretty nervous, but he ate really well. At 5 Sherri called me and said his numbers were at 74 and he was ready to eat. He was sleepy so that feeding wasn't quite as good, but it was still okay. I was nervous again this morning because we took the IV to a 2. However, this morning Baeta, Benjamin's daytime nurse that is also incredible, called to say his numbers were 58 which was still good so we could take him off the IV. I fed him and we took him off. We will test in 1 hour to see how those levels are. He needs two good levels off the IV to be able to bring him home . So, there is a chance he could come home this afternoon. If they aren't good we have to put him back on the IV and then start the weaning process again. We won't have to put him all the way back up to 11. I am just praying that they will stay good so I can take this little guy home. His brother and sisters are pretty anxious to see him. We didn't have them come yesterday as we didn't know how they would react to the feeding tube in his nose. I am praying for more miracles!!

Tuesday, May 11

Benjamin's Story



So, much has happened in the past 36 hours. I sit in the hospital knowing I will be discharged in the morning, but not knowing when my little boy will be. He is doing well. The problem is his body is not regulating his blood sugars on his own like he should. We knew this was a possibility with my diabetes, but I had no idea it would mean what we have been through. However, let me back up and tell you his story.
On Saturday I started having contractions every hour. Some were hard and some weren't. On Sunday they slowed down a bit so we weren't too excited. That ended up being a blessing as Becca had a really hard day on Sunday with her recovery and she really needed her mom. On Monday morning at 2:20ish I awoke with a really strong contractions that lasted for around 5 minutes (it really could have been two just on top of each other). I got up and walked around to try to help it feel better. I kept having contractions but some were really hard and some weren't that bad. They also were not consistent in timing. I laid back in bed trying to get some sleep. At 3:00 they started again and went every 15 minutes. At 3:45 I got sick of trying to sleep and not being able to so I went and took a bath. I also took Brad's I phone and downloaded an app that tracked my contractions. It was super cool. I just had to push a button when my contraction started and then when it ended. It told me how long it was, how long since the last one, the average in 20 minutes and the average in 24 hours.
To make a long night short I had contractions all night and was not able to sleep at all because whenever I would go back to sleep 10-20 minutes later I would have another contraction. Now, most ladies would maybe think "Oh, maybe I am in labor." However, I have been induced with all 4 of my other children and had no idea. The biggest problem was the contractions varied so much in strength and timing. I honestly didn't think I was in labor. In fact, I had an appointment set for 8:50 that morning so I was just hoping it had done something to help me dilate past the 2.5 I was at the week before. It wasn't until 6:55 when I had a pretty hard contraction when I thought, maybe I should call Allison (my older sister) and ask what her contractions felt like. I felt like an idiot but am SOOO grateful I called. As I was talking to her I had a really hard contraction. I was writhing in pain and couldn't talk to her. When it ended she said "Um, I am pretty sure that was a labor contraction." Oh, to back up the train a bit, I was wondering towards the end of the night if I didn't have a stone in my bladder ready to come out. My lower abdomen is where the contraction was the worst and I didn't think that was the case with real labor. Anyway, Allison assured me that contraction was not stone related but was a contraction. As I talked to her I had another one, just not quite as long. After that, since it was only 5 minutes from the last one, she said "I really think you should go to the hospital." I said I would talk to Brad and see. By the time I got off the phone, just a few minutes later, I had yet another one and they were really starting to hurt. Plus, I couldn't sit up because I felt like I was sitting on his head.
I said, "Okay, I think we should go to the hospital. I don't think I am going to make it to my doctors appointment." As I was getting dressed the contractions were getting much worse and right on top of one another. We left before Allison could even come to watch the kids (she was only 1 minute away) and put Ryan in charge. By the time I got in the car the contractions were so bad and I felt like I had to push. So, the drive to the hospital, which is usually 15 minutes, was the longest drive of my life. I had to push the entire time and it just got worse with each contraction. I was yelling at Brad to hurry and at cars that got in our way. Brad drove like a conservative mad man (more conservative than I liked for the situation, but he didn't want to crash which I did appreciate). Poor guy was thinking "Should I pull over and see if I just need to call 911 to deliver the baby?" When I was around 5 minutes away from the hospital my water broke (yes in the car....thank goodness for the seat cover which saved the seat.). I was yelling and screaming like in the movies. I even kept saying "This happens in the movies, not to me!!"
We made it to the hospital and Brad dropped me off in the front while he parked. I made it half way through the lobby when another horrible contraction hit. I stopped and was bent over and crying "Help me....help me". Some nice man and lady rushed to get me a wheel chair just as Brad ran through the doors. We hurried to the elevator and had to wait to be buzzed into labor and delivery. Brad calmly said "Yes, my wife is having a baby." I in the background yelled "I am needing to push right now." I didn't want them to think I was barely in labor. This was an emergency. We went to the front desk and the girl was calmly and VERY SLOWLY trying to check us in. I was panicking and saying I need to push right now. I nurse caught on and bipassed the front desk girl and got us in a room. My friend Carol, from our AF ward, is an OB nurse and she hurried and helped the other nurse get me into the room. We didn't have time to change into a gown. I was wearing a jumper so it worked out well. She checked me and saw I was at a +2 station, which meant she could see his head quite well. I asked her and the other nurse if they could deliver the baby because I couldn't wait for the doctor if he wasn't there. They said they could and we started pushing. Benjamin's heart beat was down for a second, but then it went back up once I pushed a little. The doctor came in a minute later (he was miraculously at the hospital assisting with a c-section so he left to come deliver our little guy). Nothing was set up, but it didn't matter. I pushed and a few minutes after I got in the room our little one was born. I was a mess. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. I knew I was too far gone for an epidural but I kept asking if there was anything to dull the pain. Of course it was too late for any measures. The nurses kept saying "You can do it" to which I replied "I don't think I can." I have felt the pushing pain for two of my other kids because the epidural didn't work quite right. So, I knew the pain, but I now can say the epidural helped a tinsy bit because this time was the worst, and Benjamin was the smallest. Anyway, it was pretty cool because I saw right after his head came out and before his shoulders. I have never seen that. I also saw the umbillical chord and the placenta which I had never seen. I don't know why, I just hadn't. That cord was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Plus mine was almost double the length of a normal one. The nurses and doctors were shocked and joking about it. I was just so grateful it hadn't wrapped around his neck. There was some maconium in my water so they had to suction his mouth. But, he was just fine. The time from when I entered the main doors of the hospital to when he was born was only 8 minutes. Yeah, that is cutting it close.
After they cleaned him a bit and weighed and measured him he was placed in my arms. There is nothing like that moment. He was so beautiful. He has lots of hair, not the most of my kids, but more than most kids have. The weird thing is his hair is lighter than all my kids have had. However, the other weird thing is today it looks a little darker than yesterday. Go figure. He is tiny. He weighed 6 lbs 2 oz. I seriously was worried about having a 10 lb baby. The weird thing was 2 weeks ago at my ultrasound the doctors measured him at 6 lbs 3 oz. Then last week a different doctor measured him at 6 lbs 2 oz. He said he tends to measure small and that it was fine. However, he did want me doing another one because he was measuring so much smaller than my other kids. So, I was going to at my appointment. Anyway, I am now thinking he may not have been growing much the last couple of weeks. My pediatrician also thinks so.
So, there is the delivery update. Now, for the last 30 hours. We knew Benjamin had to be checked for blood sugars because of my diabetes. All was fine until they got those numbers. he was only at 29. They like them above 50. So they fed him a bottle of formula to get his numbers up. It only got him to 44. So, they then had to give him a shot of something that gives more glucose. That worked, but because the other numbers weren't great they had to put him on an IV. Because of this he can't come to our room. He is now in Level 2 nursery while we get these numbers under control. I guess if your blood sugar levels stay really low for a long time it can cause seizures, learning disabilities, and all sorts of other problems. Therefore, they have to gradually wean him from the IV until his body takes over and properly deals with glucose. This is what we have dealt with. Sometimes his numbers are great. They then did a rapid wean where they lowered his IV level from 11 to an 8 for a few hours. Well, his levels dropped dramatically and they had to bump it back up as well as give him another shot of the glucose thing. The bad news is his numbers have not been stable enough to lower his levels at all. This means his chances of coming home with me tomorrow morning are 0%. We don't know how long it will take. Yesterday was so crazy with births and such that because Benjamin isn't top priority in the nursery (since his breathing is awesome) it is just taking longer for anything to happen.
Today they had to insert a feeding tube to supplement nursing. He did not nurse well last night at all. I was up for over an hour from 1-2ish trying to get him to eat. He maybe ate 10 minutes in that time. I then had to go back to my room and pump to stimulate myself so my milk will come in. That took forever. The nurses were so busy, or so I am assuming, that it took 30 minutes anytime I called and needed something. Finally, around 3:15 I got back to sleep. I then got a call from the nurse at 4 saying Benjamin was acting like he wanted to eat. So, I got up and spent another hour trying to get him to eat. He just wanted to be close to his mother. Around 8:30ish I tried to feed him again and he just wasn't getting it. Because he was struggling with nursing and his numbers weren't great the Dr decided to put a feeding tube in to help supplement with the milk I was pumping. We did that and tested his numbers and they still weren't good. We were pretty frustrated and nervous. It has been a roller coaster of a day. I fed him around 1pm and he actually nursed really well. We were all very positive about that. We didn't even supplement him. We tested his numbers 3 hours after that feeding and they were at 68 which was really good. So, we are now all hopeful that his body is starting to regulate the glucose on his own. Tonight at the 7pm feeding they will test his blood sugars again. If they stay above the 53 mark then they will start the very slow weaning from the IV process. So, I am saying lots of prayers at this moment.









Monday, May 10

New Baby!





Only picture ever of me being in regular clothes meeting my baby for the first time. I love how delivery is over and then I have to get in the hospital gown!!

Meeting daddy!!
Respiratory therapists were there because he had some meconium, but he ended up being just fine.

New baby boy! So cute!!! Born around 7:35. (walked through the hospital doors around 7:27, so yes... fun car ride).
Benjamin Robert Bell - 6 lbs 2 oz. - 19 inches - smallest baby of all of ours!

More details and pictures to follow.